not what I meant to write today

First I ask, is it really a person that I love,
Or only an idea of a person I have in my head?
I really can’t say, and I can’t say
Whether it was you that I touched
when I touched your hand
or if I’m thinking of you when I think
I miss you every day.
I can’t say any of these things, separated
as we all are from the reality in an infinite regress
knowing that we cannot know what we seem to know.
Really though, these are thoughts I think to mark the time.
There is only one thing I can’t say
and only that because you turn yourself away
making the words words I never spoke or felt by your
own firm belief in their meaninglessness.
This is all my grief which chokes in my chest every day;
I cannot say I love you.